


Better Left Unsaid

by AngelKurenai



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-16 09:44:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5823823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelKurenai/pseuds/AngelKurenai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Reader realizes both Sam and Dean have feelings for her? A decision must be made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You let out a sigh as you entered your room, closing the door right behind you. You had been hoping that a nice, warm shower would help you relax just slightly but you had no such luck. Not that you expected much anyway, especially considering all the things that had been happening lately. The Mark was what mostly had you awake at nights - along with the thought of how Dean was - but  now things had taken a turn for the worse. You really doubted it was possible but here you were. Charlie's death was really too much for you to take - yet another one that did not deserve it, you thought every time - but what had happen after that... Oh dear, what had happened after that honestly had you more scared than any other monster had before.  
  
You sighed again, sitting on your bed and letting the towel that you were drying your hair with fall onto your lap. You shook your head and buried your face in your hands. Thoughts of what had happened just a week ago swimming through your mind.  
  
 _-Flashback-_  
  
You and Sam had just returned at the bunker from Charlie's funeral and the atmosphere felt heavy around you. None of you dared to say a thing but you just couldn't keep quiet, either. You bit your lip all the time, desperately wanting to talk to Sam. You knew you probably shouldn't but you had known them for almost all your life, so you knew what Sam was thinking right now.  
  
“Sam” you whispered, voice barely audible yet so loud in the silence that had surrounded you after you returned to the bunker. Dean was now out for drinks, leaving you and Sam alone.  
  
“Don’t, (Y/n). Just don’t” Sam said and then pursed his lips, deciding to look down at the sandwich he was making for you - because you had burned your hand.  
  
You were leaving a flower on top of Charlie’s burning body when you heard Dean say _‘I think it should be you up there and not her’_. Your eyes had widened at hearing Dean say something like that to Sam and you had momentarily forgotten that your hand was above the flames. When you realized it it was too late. If it wasn’t for Dean coming to your aid immediately you would have been left with a really bad burn right now, that was for sure.  
  
“But Sam-” you whispered to him with a pained look on your face.  
  
“Don’t say it, (Y/n). It’s ok. Really.” he turned to give you a tight smile - obviously forced - and then turned to look back at the food “It’s ok” he whispered, mostly trying to reassure himself.  
  
You started taking in deep breaths, your lips pursed as you stared intensely at his back “No, no it’s not. And you know it” you said firmly.  
  
“(Y/n)-” he started but you cut him off.  
  
“No, don’t ‘(Y/n)’ me Sam. It’s not ok and you know it!”  
  
He let out a sigh as he handed you your food “I know (Y/n). But just listen-” he started and you cut him off once again.  
  
“No Sam _you_ listen!” you said in a harsh voice.  
  
You let out a sigh and looked back up at him “He didn’t mean it Sam. He didn’t really mean it. Dean- he would _never_ say something like that. Not to you. _Never_ to you. He was just- It was too much for him. That’s just it. Charlie dying was just too much for him to take but you know that he would never say something like that and actually mean it. You’re his brother Sam.”   
  
“I know (Y/n)” he smiled just slightly at your trying to reassure him “But I know perfectly well that it is true. Maybe I didn’t expect him to actually say it. Maybe that shocked me a little bit but-” he let out a sigh “-I know that it is true. You do too, just don’t want to accept it” he smiled sadly, shrugging slightly.  
  
“No, Sam. No.” you said firmly “I don’t think that it is true. And neither does Dean. He didn’t mean it, Sam. He didn’t!” you emphasized your words, trying to make him believe that he was worth saving. That his own brother did not think that he was unworthy.  
  
You let out a sigh and shaking your head walked towards hims. You wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in his chest, biting your lip to keep the tears from rolling. Seeing the brothers like this broke you. You were not able to stand seeing them apart.  
  
Sam hesitated but hugged you back “It’s ok” he whispered “It’s ok”  
  
“Sam” you breathed out, lip trembling just slightly at seeing the look in his eyes.  
  
“He didn’t mean it, ok? He didn’t. Dean would never say something like and actually mean it when it comes to you. You’ve been through so much together. So much and yet you managed to pull through. Together. Because you are brothers. And the bond you two have is much more than just that. It is much more than just blood relation, Sam. Dean- Dean would never wish that for you. Hell, if it happened I am sure that he would trade his life for yours. Once again! Sam he would never be able to live without you. You, Sam, are his brother. And no matter how many arguments you’ve had. No matter how many things you have said to each other. No matter how many bad and unforgivable things you’ve done, you always pulled through. Together. Come Hell, Heaven or Purgatory you two always made it through. Together.” you let out a breath, pulling completely away from him.  
  
“You’re his brother, Sam. There is no chance on this Earth that Dean Winchester would put anything else above you. There is no chance that he would chose anybody else before you, if need be.” you added in a softer voice, smiling when you saw a smile appears on Sam’s face.  
  
“You always are right (Y/n).” he looked at you with a true smile and you nodded with a bigger one of yours.  
  
“Just not this time” he added and your smile fell. A perplexed look was on your face as Sam kept smiling. Mostly since it seemed to be a true one.  
  
“Even though Dean might not admit it, now or ever, there is one person that he would chose above everyone. Above himself. And above me.” he put a few strands behind your ear “He would chose **you** over me any given second, if need be”  
  
You shook your head at hearing Sam’s words, a pang in your chest. You both wanted and not to believe Sam's words. Mostly because you could not deny the deep feelings you had for Dean for a really long time.  
  
“Sam-” you let out a sigh “-He doesn’t see me that way. Dean and I are just friends we-” Sam’s deep chuckle made you stop.  
  
“You may be oblivious to it, (Y/n). And Dean may not have said anything openly to me but- I see the way he looks at you. He has never looked at a woman like that. Hell, it is so obvious even a blind man could see it. I have seen it for a while now, (Y/n). The way he talks to you, the way he tries not to show how he’s worried about you, the way he feels for you is impossible to hide. Even though he might try. I haven’t gotten to say it before and I don’t think I will get to say again, to another woman anyway, but- (Y/n). Dean’s _in love with you_ ” he said with a sad smile.  
  
“Sam-” you bit your lip but he cut you off.  
  
“He would chose you over me, (Y/n). Dean would chose you over anyone, even himself, even me, any given second.” he cupped your cheek and smiled at you, though it only made you feel even more sad.  
  
“We _**both**_ would” he added and your head snapped up at him.   
  
Your eyes widened and you opened your mouth ready to speak, to say anything, but you could not utter a single word as you just stood there. Mouth hanging almost open and Sam's words swimming through your head.  
  
Sam only smiled softly but he as well did not say a word.  
  
He leaned down to kiss your cheek. His face lingering close to yours for a little longer than needed.  
  
When he pulled away he just smiled down at you, brushing his thumb on your cheek and then completely pulling away to leave.  
  
While you just stood there, eyes wide and heart hammering in your chest at what Sam had said.  
  
Sam had just told you what you wanted and feared to hear.  
  
Maybe some thing were **Better Left Unsaid** , after all.  
  
 _-End of Flashback-_  
  
You shook your head once again, running a hand down your face. It had been a week since it happened and you still couldn't believe it.  
  
Maybe mostly because you didn't want to.  
  
You could not deny it to yourself that what you felt for Dean was deep. You did not know if you could dare as to think that you were in love with him - love was a luxury no hunter could have - but you knew he meant a lot to you. Not that you had told him, anyway. You were never the one to express your feelings first, especially to Dean Winchester. Not with what he was going through, anyway. What with the Mark and now Charlie's death you did not dare tell him what you really felt about him, despite what Sam had told you.   
  
Oh dear.  
  
 _Sam._  
  
His words kept echoing in your mind all the time.  
  
 _'We **both** would'  
  
They both would_ you kept thinking.   
  
They both would chose you over one another. And honestly that was a thought that scared you to no end. You didn't want it. You didn't want it at all.  
  
Of course you want to be special for them. You wanted to be important to Dean so much that he would do anything for you - selfish but true - because you knew that you would do anything for him too. And... let's be honest, Sam had always held a special place in your heart - so special that you could not pinpoint it yourself, either. You've always been really close, not as much as you and Dean were, but you knew that there was something special between Sam and you, too. You knew that deep down you felt something for him too.  
  
And you were scared.  
  
You were so scared now that you knew that they both felt something for you. Because that was sure anymore.  
  
Sam's words along with the way he looked at you and treated you this whole week had made you sure of his feelings. And thinking back to all you and him had been through... you were more than sure yourself.  
  
And you would have been ok with it. Yes you would. You are not going to deny it to yourself that you could see Sam as more than just a close friend, but Dean... oh Dean.  
  
Just the thought of him made your heart want to jump out of your chest. Maybe it was what Sam made you feel too or maybe not. You could not really be sure of that anymore.  
  
What you were sure of, though, was that Sam was right. He was so right...  
  
You thought back to your and Dean's 'relationship' and you were more than sure.  
  
 _-Flashback-_  
  
“Where would I be without you, (Y/n)?” Dean asked, mostly himself, looking you straight in the eyes; a hand of his cupping your cheek. Yours over The Mark, rubbing your thumb over it, the movement always making him relax.  
  
“Probably at some strip-club with some exotic dancer all over you. Or maybe a couple exotic dancers” you said with a soft chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
Ever since he got The Mark Dean was not himself but these days things had only gotten worse. There was really nothing you could do other than offer him a shoulder to lean on.  
  
You had spent endless nights staying up till the morning, talking about anything and anyone to get his mind off The Mark. Rarely would the conversation drift to The Mark and how Dean actually felt.  
  
Dean was not a man of words, never a man that would openly express his feelings, but with you… with you it was different. He found himself talking to you openly about how The Mark affected him. His deepest thoughts and feelings.  
  
Both of you laid in bed together, although you were nothing more than just friends, you holding him in your arms and running your fingers through his hair to make him relax. Hoping to help him get some shut eye. Only when you were sure he was completely asleep would you pull a blanket over the two of you. Kissing his head and mumbling a soft _‘Goodnight Dean’_. Resting your forehead on top of his head and finally letting yourself to close your eyes.  
  
Unknown to you, though, Dean always stayed up till later. Later than you. Opening his eyes after he made sure you were asleep and mumbling an equally soft _'Goodnight (Y/n)’_. Closing his eyes, then, and finally allowing himself to smile. It was always small but it was sincere.  
  
“Nobody compares to you” he mumbled, looking at you with soft eyes and and rubbing his thumb on your, now red, cheek.  
  
“Nobody can ever compare to you” he added with a ghost of a smile and you allowed yourself to smile at his words.  
  
 _He_ wanted to say more. _You_ wanted to say more.   
  
But none of you did. None of you _dared_ to.  
  
 _-End of Flashback-_  
  
And now you realized what was that thing between you and Dean. It wasn't just a deep bond between the two of you. It wasn't just an unspoken connection two broken people shared. It wasn't just an understanding you both would have when it came to each other's pain. It wasn't just any feeling you shared. It was love and you were really scared to even think about it.  
  
Because Sam was right.   
  
And as you thought back to all those times you've been _'close'_ with each of the brothers you could not help but agree with him. There was no point in even denying it anymore. No, not when you got to think of that hunt.  
  
That hunt.  
  
It was a memory you tried to suppress, you tried to forget with all your will but still was there. You wanted to think it was just a bad dream, that it had not happened but, yet, it had and you could not deny it.  
  
You wanted to think that everything that monster had said was a lie but... it was not.  
  
 _-Flashback-_  
  
You were at a small town at that time. Long time ago for that matter. Before the fall, before the bunker and above all before The Mark. You were hunting a siren you vividly remembered. Not really hard but not really easy, either. That's what you were thinking when you started with that case. You were quite surprised, to say the least, when you had managed to find her really quickly at a bar while luring some innocent guy away. You hadn't missed a beat to get into action and follow them. Finding them at the back of the bar and killing the creature was easy and you honestly could not help but get suspicious. But, as long as the job was done then you really did not have much to worry about.  
  
 _If only you had known back then._  
  
You had finished the hunt successfully so the boys - or well, basically Dean - had thought of going at a bar that was near your hotel. Not the same one as where you found your siren, just a bigger one. Sam had agreed, obviously in need of a drink, but you had declined. Dean had insisted, that was for sure, but in the end gave up. They had left you on your own at you room as you tried to get as much sleep as possible before you were back on the road again.  
  
As it seemed, though, sleep eluded you and no matter how much you move and turned on your bed you could not shut an eye. Maybe it had to do a great deal with the fact that you could not stop thinking how easy this hunt all of a sudden had proved to be and how you had a feeling in your gut that told you something bad was about to happen. You'd gotten up frustrated, thrown the covers on the side, got dressed and exiting your room and soon afterwards the motel you had made your way to the bar you knew Sam and Dean were going to be.  
  
It was really close to your motel so you just walked towards there. Before you entered you had decided to look through the window to see if Sam and Dean were actually there but you had soon regretted your actions. Dean was in fact nowhere to be seen and you couldn't help but think how he would have already left with some chick at her place, mostly seeing as you had not seen him return back to your motel on the way to the bar. You could not deny that you felt your heart tighten.  
  
 _Yet again he had left with another woman_ you'd thought bitterly.   
  
You could not help the pain in your chest every time you thought about Dean being with another woman, let alone seeing him flirt on bars with them. Your feelings for him were an undeniable matter- at least to yourself - and every time you saw him with another woman - mostly leaving a bar you were at to go at her place - you could hardly keep yourself from tearing up. But that's how things always were with Dean and you actually could not say something about it because you were only... friends.  
  
And then a feeling that resembled the one to being stabbed in the chest soon followed as your eyes fell on Sam at the far corner of the bar with... a woman next to him. You could not see her face clearly, mostly because of the dim lighting and how she had leaned in to whisper something on Sam's ear but you could clearly see he expression on Sam's face. You had never seen him flirt so openly with a woman before - save for when he'd come back from hell and did not have a soul - and this time you could clearly say it could not compare to those times either. The smile on Sam's face proved to the fact that this was something more. That whoever the woman next to him was, she had Sam feeling things that he obviously never had and that could only mean that this was not just something to go by easily. Sure, seeing him flirt with another woman hurt - maybe just as much as with Dean - but seeing that kind of expression on his face could only tear you apart on the inside.  
  
You abruptly turned your head on the other side to tear your eyes from the scene in front of you. You felt a lump form on your throat and your eyes suddenly sting. You blinked several times and took in a shaky breath as you turned to walk away from the bar. You bit your lip as you turned and started taking small steps away from there. As it seemed Sam was not going to come back early either. You clenched your fists as you stopped walking for a second and took in another shaky breath. You shook your head and run a hand through your hair.   
  
Sam was only your friend, you should not feel this way when seeing him with another woman... should you?  
  
You had not realized where you were walking towards and before you could realize it you were actually walking circles and had arrived at the back of the bar. It was not the realization of that that shocked you, though, but almost falling after stumbling into an unconscious Dean that made your eyes widen.  
  
You immediately bent down to check on him and soon let out a sigh of relief when you felt his pulse. You checked on his head as well and saw a small trickle of blood, realizing that somebody must have hit him hard there. You were ready and about to get up to go to Sam and inform him - part of you worried to death about Dean and part of you wanting desperately to ruin whatever he had going with that chick. Before you could even so make a single move, though, you heard footstep and sure as hell there was Sam.  
  
Not the way that you expected him though.  
  
He was unconscious as well as somebody dragged him towards where they had obviously put Dean before. What shocked you was not that but the person carrying Sam.  
  
It was... you?  
  
Well, as it seemed, not exactly you but somebody that looked exactly like you. They seemed to be shocked as well before throwing Sam to the cold ground and only stared at you with wide eyes.  
  
Needless to say it didn't take long for you to realize who- or most specifically what the person was. A siren. And the feeling in your gut was absolutely right. There were two of them but you had not realized it. This one as it seemed intended to keep both boys by her side, take them away from this bar, make them fight with each other and whoever won she'd use to kill a couple other people. Or so she had told you in the beginning when she thought that you'd just end up dead.  
  
And to cut a long story short, you fought with her. You fought as hard as you could and you had finally gotten a grasp of her and made sure she was not going to escape you asked her the only question that you've been dying to ask- the only question that would not stop spinning in your mind the second you saw her with Sam and soon connected all the dots to how she was the one that lured Dean as well.  
  
 _Why the hell had she used your face to seduce both boys away?_  
  
But she didn't seem to be willing to give the answer you so much wanted. So instead you tortured her. It took a while, that was for sure, she seemed to be a tough one but in the end... she just broke. Everybody had a breaking point as it seemed.  
  
And the words she told you still echoed in your mind just like it was yesterday, although it was actually a couple years ago.  
  
"You want to know why? Fine then, fine! Here is why sweetheart! I am going to tell you the reason why! Because they wanted to! That's what they wanted to see and that's what they saw! _You_! That is what the wanted to see and I simply took your form! I read their minds, princess, and you want to know what I saw in both of them? You. It is _all_ about you. The older one-" she motioned with her head to the still unconscious Dean in her left   
  
"-tried to think about something else. You know, he was flirting with another woman before I came towards him. He was trying so hard to focus on her. Somebody would have thought he was actually thinking about the blondie he had in front of him and her pretty obvious goodies but no- no he was trying to actually forget. To forget _you_. But clearly failing. All he wanted to do was take his mind off you but when I appeared, in your form of course, he just lost the battle that he was obviously going to lose anyway. And wanna know about cutie there?" she motioned with her head to the unconscious Sam, a wicked grin on her face.  
  
"Oh he was surprised. He was definitely surprised. Seems like he's gotten used to living in his brother's shadow. Obviously green eyes takes always the girl. But he didn't really seem to care, either. After a few sweet words, that he obviously needed to hear from you, and a little bit of comfort he just loosened up and followed right away. So really, I don't think you should be asking me why I chose to use your form but rather _them_. I merely take the form- or well basically _they_ see what they want to in order to be seduced. When I read their mind all I saw was you. Weird, I know. Maybe not very much but still" she shrugged and laughed as if she was crazy "You know, I never had the need to use the same face twice to lure two guys but as it seems it was my lucky day. Until you showed up I guess. But really I think you should talk about it. They both have the hots for you- maybe something more than that and you-" you had cut her off before she could say anything more.  
  
In an impulse, and as you still felt your heart hammer in your chest and drum in your ears, you had stabbed her with a bronze dagger and it seemed like the perfect timing because that's when Dean started to wake up.  
  
You actually did not have the emotional strength to hear more from that monster. You wanted to think she was lying but at the same time you could not help but believe that what she was saying was actually true. And that scared you more than anything else.  
  
You had helped Dean and later Sam that woke up but all the time you contemplated on whether you should ask them or not.  
  
And as if in a blur, you mind acted on its own, and your lips formed the words before you could realize it.   
  
You asked them who they saw when being seduced.  
  
And they... they did _not_ say your name. None of them did. Well, Dean in the beginning seemed to think of saying it but in the end opted for lying just as Sam that did not have the courage to speak the truth... especially in front of his brother.  
  
And you let it slip by. You let it slip by because some part of you wanted to believe them... although another selfish part of you wanted to believe the siren and what she had told you.  
  
 _-End of Flashback-_  
  
And you still remembered that time. You still remember her words just like you still remember how Dean and Sam acted around you for a while after that. How they avoided eye contact and how hey hesitated to answer to your question of who they saw when you first asked them.  
  
You always thought about that time. You always thought about everything that had happened and you couldn't help but let yourself actually think of how Sam was right on everything he had said just a week ago.  
  
He was right.  
  
Dean was in love with you and so was Sam. And that meant that you... were getting between them.  
  
You were getting between Dean and Sam, slowly but surely breaking their bond and that was something you wanted by no means.  
  
You'd know the brothers all your life, you had been with them while they went through so much together and you were truly amazed at seeing how close they were. The bond between them was truly something that fascinated you and made you happy to see. They were all that each other had, no family left anymore, and it honestly broke you to see them argue even for the least important things - when the arguments were serious, anyway. You honestly wished nothing could ever come between them yet...  
  
...here you were doing just that.  
  
But you knew you couldn't. You just couldn't come in between them and take away something so important from each one of them. You couldn't take away something so important from the people you _loved_ so much.  
  
And that's why your decision was now made.


	2. Chapter 2

"You ok?" Dean asked raising an eyebrow taking in the look on your face.  
  
"What? Uh yeah, yeah I'm fine" you gave him a small smile and looked down at the food you had not touched in your plate.  
  
"You don't really look like it, though" he said with a small smirk "Maybe letting Sammy cook you wasn't a good idea, huh?" he asked again trying to lighten the mood - although you were the one supposed to do that, especially after all of the things that had happened lately.  
  
"He's not really the best cook, not at least better than you but no, it's not that. The (y/f/f)'s really good to be honest. I guess I'm just- really lost in thoughts, that's all." you said with a small shrug.  
  
"Hmh and what would you be thinking about?" he asked and took a bite of your food.  
  
You fake glared at him but couldn't stop the smile that spread on your lips at his cheeky smile. It wasn't 100% real Dean smile and you knew that he was well aware of it too, but you were going to let it slip.  
  
"Uh just things" you said shrugging and looked down at your wrapped hand.  
  
"Does it hurt?" Dean's voice filled with worry made you look up at him.  
  
"Uh no not really. It's ok, mostly thanks to you. If it wasn't for you coming so quickly to my aid then I would be left with a pretty bad burn right now" you said in a soft voice and you saw a small smile on his lips.  
  
"I didn't do anything major, (Y/n). There is no way I would let you get hurt anyway" he said with a small shrug a half smile.  
  
"Are you sure you're ok now, though?" he said and before waiting for an answer he got up from his seat and was by your side, taking your hand in his and slightly removing the bandages out of the way so that he would take a look at it.  
  
"I-I'm ok, Dean" you whispered.  
  
"So it seems, but it's probably going to leave a scar. Just a small reminder. Not really noticeable but still-" he said with a small shrug and you frowned "-No worries, though. It will just make you look even cuter" he winked at you with a smirk that you could clearly see it was fake.  
  
"Thanks, I guess" you let out a light chuckle that you didn't really mean.   
  
You were about to remove your hand from his grasp but before you could do so, he took hold of it (holding you from the wrist that did not have a burn), grasping more tightly, and quickly pulled you to him, his lips immediately coming in contact with your cheek in a soft kiss. The kind of kiss that you usually share with him during moments of comfort, when you really could no say lots of things out loud. Those kinds of kisses always brought peace within you but now they made you feel guilty as well.  
  
He rested his forehead against the side of your head and you dared closed your eyes for a second to enjoy just his close presence.  
  
"Alright, so how about I make you something else to eat, huh?" he asked in a low and rough voice, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. All you could do was nod, you didn't really trust your voice right now.  
  
He kissed your forehead and let go of your hand to move to the other side of the table, ready to make you something else to eat.  
  
You just stood there, breathing in and out, not really knowing what more you could do. You felt your heart hammer in your chest, just like it always did when Dean was present in the room, but at the same time it felt tight when you thought of Sam. All of the things he had told you and all of the things you had come to realize. You shook your head and biting your lip you looked down at your hands. It broke you to even think about **it** but you knew that there was no other way. You had to-  
"So, you didn't really tell me what you were thinking about earlier?" Dean's voice made you look at him.  
  
"Uh well-" you swallowed the lump in your throat, this was going to be hard "-I was thinking about some things and I uh- I believe I have taken a decision you should know about" you said and looked at him straight in the eyes, back straight and face almost blank; trying desperately not to show how you felt and clenching your fists under the table to do so.  
  
"Really? And what's that?" he asked looking back at the pan.  
  
"I uh- I think I'm gonna leave the bunker" you said in a low but firm voice.  
  
"Oh really?" he said casually, glancing at you for a second "You gonna go to your hometown?" he asked and you couldn't help the frown on your face.  
  
It actually hurt if you were honest. He seemed so... _indifferent_ to what you had just told him and you basically didn't expect that from Dean. Maybe you were wrong after all. Maybe you didn't mean anything to him, anyway, and what you had actually decided was the best choice after all.  
  
Maybe this was for the best anyway.  
  
"I don't know, maybe...?" it came out as more like a question but you didn't care, anyway.  
  
"Ok so... how long will you be gone? Are you going to come back soon?" he asked, handing you the food he had made and adding some on his own plate; sitting opposite you.  
  
 _Oh._  
  
"I-" you took in a deep breath and looked at him deep in the eyes, now understanding that he hadn't grasped what you meant which made you both happy (that he actually didn't want to get rid of you and that you did mean something to him) and sad (because the hardest moment was just about to come).  
  
"I'm not, Dean" you breathed out and saw a frown set on his face.   
  
He opened his mouth but you beat him at it "I'm leaving the bunker for good" you said with all the determination you could muster.  
  
"What?" it was barely audible but you did hear it, just like the pain in his voice.  
  
"I- I have decided that- that I want to stop hunting. I-I know it's impossible-" you let out a laugh "-but hey, maybe I can do it after all? You managed that with Lisa, right?" it hurt you to even think about his time with her, mostly because it felt as if he had chosen her over you.  
  
"I- I decided that I want to stop doing this, I know it is hard but- there are other hunters out there, better than me, that will do this, save people, and- and I want to stop, Dean. It was great while it lasted - if I can really call it that way with all the death and pain surrounding us but I- I've had enough Dean. I was really happy to have met you and Sam, you literally changed my life for the better, too. But I- I want to stop hunting and get away from this life.  I want out, Dean. And- the only way to do so is leave the bunker, get a house at a small town, find a job and-" you started explaining while literally feeling your heart crumble at the sight of the look on Dean's face.  
  
"Cut off all ties with us?" he said in a rough and harsh voice.  
  
"I-" you swallowed the lump in your throat "It is the only way. I really feel sad as well but- I want out Dean. Out of hunting, out of the bunker, out of this life, you know? And I just- I'm sorry, but I've made my mind" you said as firmly as you could.  
  
"So you are just going to leave? Up and go? Just like that? After all these years you're going to leave **us**?" he looked at you with pleading eyes " **Me**?" he breathed out in addition and you bit your tongue to not tell him that that's exactly what he did when he left you to go live with Lisa without knowing how much it actually hurt. But that was a whole different issue.  
  
"You're joking right? Please tell me you're joking. You've got to be joking" the pleading tone in his voice made your heart ache.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I've made my decision. I know you'll understand at some point" you muttered and got up from your seat, Dean didn't miss a beat to do so.  
  
"Understand what? That you come and tell me you want to leave for good and I have to accept that? That all these years we've lived together and been through so much did not matter to you even in the least bit? That you want me just to accept the fact that you are leaving, forgetting about me and Sam and that we have- _I_ have to live with the fact that you are somewhere in this fucking world living your apple pie life away from me? That this is what you really want? To leave me? To leave Sam? To leave me? The both of us behind, not even so asking for our opinion as if we never mattered to you? As if none of us ever meant to you anything? What the fucking hell do you want me to understand?!" he all-but-shouted and you had to hold yourself from taking it all back at that moment. Especially when you saw all the emotional pain in his eyes... other than anger.  
  
"I know this is hard Dean but-" you started speaking but he cut you off.  
  
"Hard? You think that this is hard? Hard doesn't even begin to cover it, (Y/n)! You want me to just fucking accept that you're leaving us- _me_ and that's it?! Not even caring about what will happen to Sammy or me? How do you think we will be able to go on without you (Y/n)?!... How will I be able to go on without you?" he ended up saying in a low voice and you could swear you heard his voice crack, as if he was fighting to keep in tears.  
  
"You will, I know you can. You're a fighter Dean and I know you can do this. Believe me it's for the best. I have gathered my things so I will be gone in the next two hours... I hate saying this but... goodbye Dean. I hope you have a good life or whatever you want to, at least. Wish you the best, you deserve it." you forced a smile on your face as you tried to keep the tears from rolling, mostly because of the look on Dean's face.  
  
"Goodbye" you whispered and without waiting an answer you turned and started making your way towards your room. The sooner you were away from Dean... the _worse_. You knew that it was never going to be _better_ being away from him but maybe for him and Sam, for the two of them, it was the best thing you could do.  
  
You looked down as you walked, heavy silence surrounding you until of course Dean decided to break it and make you stop dead in your tracks, your blood running cold.  
  
"I love you" he said in a cracking, raspy and above all desperate voice.  
  
You bit your trembling lip, and clenched your fists so tight you were sure your knuckles were white. You closed your glistening-with-tears eyes and took in a shaky breath. You could literally hear your heart drum in your ears, jumping as if it wanted to come out of your chest. You felt tears about to fall down your cheeks but fought with all your will to keep them in. You both wanted and feared to hear Dean say it. You knew that if he did there would be no going back for you but you had to do this. You had to keep walking, away from him... _for him_.   
  
And so you did.  
  
Gathering all your willpower you opened your eyes and took another step away from him. And another. And another. And another. And-  
  
"Didn't you hear me?!" he once again said, making you stop "I said I love you." it literally broke your heart to hear him, let alone want to see his face.  
  
But you had to. And you did.   
  
You turned around to face him.  
  
"I heard you Dean" you said without any emotion in your voice, trying desperately not to show how much it hurt you as well.  
  
"Well?" he looked at you with an expecting look, hoping that you would say something - because he could clearly see your inner fight "Aren't you going to say something?" he asked and you bit your lip to keep yourself from running in his arms and telling him the same.  
  
"Like what?" you asked him with raised eyebrows.  
  
"Anything, (Y/n). Anything damn it!" he said and you could see tears welling up in his eyes.  
  
All the emotional pain and exhaustion that he tried to keep away all this time because of The Mark and everything else was wearing off and you could clearly see it.  
  
"I don't really know what you expect me to say, Dean. What do you _want_ me to say? That this changes things? That this changes _everything_? That this makes me change my mind? That I want to stay? That I _will_ stay?... That I love you too?" you breathed out but remained as stoic as you could.  
  
"I'm sorry, Dean... But I don't" you added and you could swear you felt a shot of electricity run through you as you saw the look of hurt flash through Dean's eyes.  
  
It hurt more than you could ever imagine to tell him that you basically did not feel anything about him when you loved him more than your own life or anything else, for that matter. It honestly broke you.  
  
"Very well" he said, trying to look unaffected and that he was handling it well but you could see through it. You could see through him. He was hurting. Bad.  
  
"I can't really keep you back, now, can I? You are free to leave." he said and for a moment you contemplated taking back all you had just said.  
  
"Leave!" he roared and your eyes widened, not only at the anger but also... the _pain_ in his voice.  
  
You quickly turned and made your way to your room, wanting desperately to hide the tears that had welled up in your eyes. A single tears had rolled when you heard him shout at you but it was mostly because you were scared of what he was going to do after you had left.  
  
You really wished you could stay. You really wished could walk back to him, wrap your arms around him and tell him how you really felt. To tell him how much you loved him. How much he meant to you.   
But you knew better.  
  
That would be both his and Sam's undoing and you did not wish for that.  
  
You would never wish for that.  
  
And if it had to be you that would walk away to protect them, then so be it. You were willing to tear your heart apart if that meant that you got to protect the two people you loved most in your life. You were willing to put yourself into an endless torment if that meant that the bond between Dean and Sam would not be broken. You were willing to deny the love you felt for Dean as long as you knew that he and Sam were alright.  
  
~~~  
  
You let out a shaky breath as you put your things, the little you had, in  the trunk of your car. You slammed it shut and slowly made your way to the driver's seat, keys in hand, but you honestly dreaded to get inside the car and... leave for good.  
  
You put your hands on top of the hood and looked at the cars surrounding you, the Impala parked just next to your car. You let yourself smile at remembering all the moments, special moments, you had shared with the boys in that car. You had known them for so long that it seemed impossible for you to now think of a moment in your life when you were without them. All the laughter you shared, all the lame jokes you shared mostly with Dean, all of the silly fights between him and Sam that you would always laugh your butt off at, all of the time you had to put up with Dean's music that you secretly liked and all the times you made him listen to some of your own, all were shared in that car and it brought tears in your eyes that you had to say goodbye to it as well.  
  
It felt as if somebody had plunged a knife in your heart and instead of being dead you were alive and felt all the pain as they kept twisting and twisting the knife in your chest. And now that you realized it... it was you that had stabbed the knife in your heart. It was you that was bringing all this pain on yourself.  
  
But you knew there was no other way.  
  
With a violent shake of your head you averted your eyes from the car you were used to calling home after all these years and buried your face in your arms that rested on the hood of your own car.  
  
You clenched your fists and gritting your teeth, you moved away and opened the door to get it. The sooner you were away from this place the sooner you would get rid of these feelings and thoughts. Especially the thought of how Dean was right now and how Sam would react when he found out (when he returned from his morning jogging).  
  
Oh Sam.  
  
"(Y/n)!" as if on cue his voice was heard and you cursed under your breath because you knew that things were about to get harder.  
  
Taking in a breath you turned to face him "Hey Sammy"  
  
"(Y/n), thank God you're still here" he said trying to catch his breath "I-I just came back and found Dean drinking and- and I asked him and he- he told me you're- you're leaving?" it came out as a question when he saw the keys in your hand and the driver's door open.  
  
"Yeah, Sam. I'm leaving" you said averting your eyes from him.  
  
"What?" he breathed out "But- But you can't (Y/n). You- you just can't leave. You can't leave us like that"  
  
"I am tired of this, Sam. I want to stop hunting. I don't think I can do it anymore" you gave him the same excuse you had given to Dean just about an hour ago.  
  
"But- but you can stop being a hunter and still live here with us. You won't have to come in hunts with us, just help in the research- if you want to of course. You could stay clear from that too, if you feel like it. But- but you don't have to go. You don't have to leave, (Y/n). Please don't leave." he pleaded, taking hold of your hand and dragging you a few feet away from your car; all the while looking at you with puppy eyes- although you would admit he looked more like a kicked puppy, pleading for its owner to take him back.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sam. But- I want to start a new life. I want to leave everything behind me, not only hunting. That's the only way I will make it. I really am sorry but I've made my decision. Goodbye Sam, and thanks for all the great memories. I will cherish them forever" you ended up mumbling and averted your eyes from Sam's face; his shocked as well as hurt face you were sure was going to hunt your dreams.  
  
Your hand slipped from his grasp and you turned your back to him, ready to make your way to your car.  
  
"I'm in love with you" you heard his desperate voice break the cold silence that had surrounded you just like warm rays of sun in the dark, slipping from his lips like honey.  
  
Oh how you wanted a taste of that.  
  
You smiled, even if a tear rolled down your cheek.  
  
"No, no you're not." you said shaking your head and continuing your way to your car.  
  
"What? Yes, (Y/n). Yes I am. Please, please don't leave." he said in a desperate voice tone, taking hold of your arm and turning you to envelope you in his arms.  
  
"Sam" you could only say.  
  
"P-Please. Don't leave me. Don't leave me, (Y/n)" you heard him mumble as his face was buried in your hair, yours in his chest.  
  
"I need you. Please. I-I can't make it without you. Please just stay, I-I know we can work this out. Please just- don't leave me (Y/n). I love you. I love you so much" you could hear the desperation in his voice and how it cracked when he asked of you to not leave him.  
  
"I can't lose you, too. Not you" he added in a trembling voice, hugging you as tightly as possible; scared that if he so much as dared to loosen his grip you would slip away from him.  
  
You bit your lip to hold the tears in and clenched your fists in his plaid shirt, trying to savor even the least bit of his scent.  
  
"Please" he said in a low voice, barely above a whisper, as you pulled slightly away.  
  
You knew you had lost the fight to keeping the tears in when you saw Sam's tear-stained face. His eyes red and puffy from crying but what hurt the most was the pain and desperation that was evident in his features.  
  
You slowly brought a hand up and brushed a few strands of hair out of his face, choking on a sob when you heard Sam taking in a shaky breath. You cupped his cheek with your hand and rubbed it with your thumb while he closed his eyes and leaned into your touch.  
  
You stood on your tiptoes and leaning in close to him you pressed your lips on his other cheek in a painfully slow kiss. You rested your forehead against the side of his head and continued rubbing his cheek with your thumb. You bit your trembling lip and you heard him take in another shaky breath and a sob escape his throat. You smiled despite your tears and swallowing the lump in your throat you spoke.  
  
"Goodbye Sam" it was lower than a whisper but you knew he heard you because your face was close to his ear.  
  
"No" he breathed out eyes snapping open as soon as he heard your and felt you slip out of his grip.  
  
"No, (Y/n) no. Please, no" he followed you as you made your way to the car.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sam. But it's the only way. Please, take care, alright? Take care of both yourself and Dean. Make sure that he doesn't drink much and that he gets enough sleep. You do too. And please make sure you eat good, not too much junk food, alright?" you looked at him with a bittersweet smile.  
  
"I will. I will. Just don't go, (Y/n). Please don't leave" he looked at you with tears in his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry Sam. Goodbye" you breathed out and breaking free from his hold you got into the car and slummed the door shut. You put the key into the ignition and started it.  
  
"No. No (Y/n) no!" you heard Sam all-but-shout at you, slamming his hands on the window of the car but you did not dare to turn and look at him.  
  
You did not dare and say anything more. Not a single thing. Just pressed your foot on the petal and drove away. Daring only to glance for a last time at the rare view mirrors to see Sam on his knees looking at your speeding car with a heartbroken look on his face, Dean just a few feet behind him staring at your direction as well, his face void of any emotion.  
  
You let out a shaky sigh and sped up, driving away from the bunker and not daring to look back at it ever again, complete silence having surrounded you - save for the rumble of the car.  
  
But you didn't dare speak. You didn't say anything.  
  
Because you knew that some things were **Better Left Unsaid** after all.


End file.
